Just Me

The Truth Of The Matter.....

....so I haven't posted on here because of the plethora of things going on. Most of the stream-of-consciousness, 'OMG, this is some fucked up shit/Is Phil going to have to choke a bitch' stuff for Facebook. However, updating here is pertinent as I sit here in Miami after having a great few days, which culminating with the evening just passed.

The house shopping continues apace, to get that out of the way. I rather like what I have put a deal on, the hagling right now is how much of closing costs we can get them to pay.

No, the main thrust of this post, the truth of the matter, is something that I felt a need to say after tonight's festivities: You know what, guys of the world, I put a great deal of effort into making myself the best I can be, mentally, spiritually, and physically.

I am gratified and still somewhat shocked when groups of individual people take note of any of the above especially in a public setting. SO, it is with a great deal of frustration that I say that tonight was an example of the inexplicably capricious nature of sexual attraction, or at least the ways in which it's acted upon.

Tonight, a guy I met a year ago (who is my host), is making me sleep on the pullout bed in his place because he brought home someone who, honestly...isn't on the same level as me.

That's the part that honestly hard to say, because I KNOW how it sounds!!! I KNOW!!! There is a voice in my head GASPING IN HORROR at how full-of-myself that sounds on the face of it. BUT, hear me out...its based on the above...not on a sense of entitlement or belief that I am INNATELY better than other men. No, I believe I am better in measurable, peer-reviewable ways that I WORKED AT and continue to do so. Few know the constant critique running from right brain to left, from frontal lobe to cerebral cortex, but I just smile and thank them wholeheartedly for noticing.

Why the butthurt? Well, this guy was basically into me (my host) last spring and a good chunk of last summer. When I got here this past week, there seemed...a DISTANCE. I keep trying to figure out if I did or said something. I intend to ask when we have dinner tomorrow. BUT, the truth of the matter is that I have a hard time reconciling anything other than 'you said this, you did this' with what he just brought home and is in process of porking upstairs. I felt like a low-level rockstar tonight, to put it succinctly.

I was ogled, chatted up, felt up, joked with, and had the wonderful occurence of the dick-dancers feeling ME up and checking ME out. Weirdly, I still felt fat during the above. The point of the matter is this:

I am angry that he pursued these other, mediocre men when he has ME sleeping IN HIS HOUSE. Why? Well, this is the ugly TRUTH of the matter: I am angry because the man he brought home tonight was...well: Short, Squatty, slightly pear shaped for a slender guy, poorly dressed, and not apparently all that interesting. And I got all that just from a quick once-over out of the corner of my eye whilst being chatted up by a VERY attractive philippino in a V-neck.

How do you pass-up someone you KNOW and have been attracted to for some time who basically by any logical measure is someone many of the guys would light you on fire to get to for....just any old schlubb. I'm sorry, that's what he is.

I have theories as to why, which are usually the reasons why I can get numbers, get chatted up, get sex at will, but can't get a date: It's not that I'm concieted and bitchy...it's that I know I put in the work and pay the price for what you consider attractive and I demand respect for that.

That probably makes me sound bougie (as my mom said), or conceited. NO, goddamnit, it's just that sometimes I am TIRED of the juggling, tired of the WORK of WANTING...the tennis, the workouts, the writing, the reading, the office, the temple, the family...AND trying to be a non-asshole, compassionate human being. I WANT THAT FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED..and sometimes its not enough to merely know that I KNOW it.

I hope I am more calm tomorrow when we talk about this, so that all of the above doesn't get spewed across the appetizer...LMAO.

UGH, and I can HEAR them, him SPEARING HIS WALLS OF MEDIOCRITY. Because GENIUS took his Bose Noise Cancelling headphones off. FUCK, I hate going to bed angry!
  • Current Music
    Destiny's Child- Fancy

Scruffy Hippie Daddy, a Youtube geek post

So, I lost my other post on this matter. Fair enough, it means I can put things succinctly since I don't feel like retyping it all, even at 100 ish WPM.

Sunday I had a brunch with a group of professional black gay men. Really cool, since I don't really get to see too many, even though I was the youngest there by far. I met ONE, however, that actually kinda intimidated me in a relaxed cool and VERY interesting manner. Think Black Scruffy hippy daddy. Light skin, build of a wide-reciever or quarterback, tall, dreadlocks, and scruffy facial hair/chest hair. O..M...G!! I was honestly too intimidated by him to carry on much of a conversation, but I could tell he was checking me out, so, there is that, and I think I shall see him again at other gatherings where hopefully I can grow a pair.

Tonight, however, the reason for my rather late post, is because I have been up for a while on YouTube unleashing the geek, as it were.

How? How about searching for the theme songs to all my favorite anime? And Video/PC Game Soundtracks? Yep, thats right. However, I got something out of it in reading the comments. Some of the anime, honestly, connect on an emtional level, and one of the means they use is their music. The thing I got tonight, that had me tearing up a bit, was that OTHER PEOPLE connected in the same way, to the anime and the music.

It was one of those geeky 'We're Not Alone and we aren't THAT weird' moments. I let the geek out to play more and more these days, because that, honestly who I REALLY am. I have posted on this subject before, but it bears saying just the same. I slept late this morning after checking work emails, sending a few and eating breakfast, so I feel better.

I hope all is well. I need sleep now.
  • Current Music
    Latronica - Joey Negro Mix
Just Me

I'm Glad Sylar has found other work....a Sci-Fi Geek Rant

because I can firmly say that Heroes has jumped the shark. They did some time ago, but this season started out with SOME promise.

I honestly don't know if this show ever, from a creative standpoint, got past a 'wouldn't it be cool if....' phase, because you could tell by the end of season 1 that they really didn't have a whole lot of clue where they wanted the show to go. I credit Battlestar Galactica for at least having some overall concept of where they wanted to end up, and certain things that had to happen along the way. It provided the writing staff with a strategic framework to work in, a Serial Arc, so to speak.

Heroes? Not after season 1. Characters were introduced and after two episodes never heard from again. Inexplicable things done to characters only to have them snap in the OTHER direction after a few episodes for no plausible reason. Why does this seem to happen the most on Sci-Fi shows? It happened on Star Trek: Voyager, Star Trek: Enterprise, Earth: Final Conflict and even the last two seasons of Babylon 5. They bring in a new guy (in this case, Brian Fuller) to take over writing management duties after ratings and story lines slip.

The problem is that it's ALWAYS too late, too far gone after losing what made the show great in the first place. Again, much credit to Ronald D. Moore (BSG), even with the 'fuck it, EVERYONE's a cylon' thing with the season 4.

The worst part is that the death of Heroes (I expect NBC to announce that the season airing after the Super Bowl will be it's last, honestly) protends scary things for Sci-Fi on television, except for Cable (where BSG is doing well). Strangely, the British seem to been MUCH better at it.

The BBC has FOUR highly rated Sci-Fi television shows: Doctor Who, Torchwood (I LOVE this show), Sarah Jane Chronicles (kinda meh), and now Primeval (kinda shit-tacular as well). How do they manage it?

I think it has something to do with the current state of both the American collective consciousness and the quality of the writing. BBC's special effects budgets are TINY compared to that of even Heroes, let alone Galactica.

But, what Dr. Who and Torchwood have that has caught on with every day, NON-GEEK audiences is a sense of COOL. They solve the paranormal, save the world (or at least Cardiff, Wales....LOL), have witty repartee', and are INTERESTING CHARACTERS in their OWN RIGHT. It doesn't hurt that they are all attractive people who manage to hook up on occasion (or a LOT if you're Captain Jack on Torchwood). British Sci-Fi= Intersting people leading interesting lives doing cool, geeky things, which makes them...wait for it...SMART BADASSES, people that your average Brit WANTS TO BE LIKE.

U.S. Sci-Fi? Other than BSG (and the show SANCTUARY on Sci-Fi Channel), most Sci-Fi has devolved into geekery for the sake of geekery, completely ignoring the need for the people/story-centric ingredients mentioned above. The Comic-Book movies have done a MUCH better job of this than has been done on TV

But, this is, IMHO, a reflection of where America has been up until the last year. Bluntly: Lots of people (especially in the coveted Advertiser demographics) wanted to turn their brains OFF. Not just for TV, but also when it comes to deep thinking PERIOD. For many, technology is a TOOL. The Science BEHIND it is for geeks to take care of. This, of course, breeds fewer and fewer geeks, our best minds going, instead, into easy-money fields such as FINANCE and LOBBYING. We see where THAT's gotten us. But I digress.

The new JJ Abhrams Star Trek, while I think will be a good movie, is NOT the restart that the franchise needs. Why? Because I honestly think JJ doesn't WANT to make Sci-Fi relevant anymore, doesn't care for it to have depth. His love of Star Wars is telling. Still, it looks cool as shit.

His show FRINGE, however, has some of what I liked about X-Files ande TORCHWOOD, so perhaps there IS some hope.

But for futuristic, fantastical sci-fi? For it to be relevant again, writers, and show-runners and producers will need to decide to look at the world around us, imagine a BETTER one, and then build a show around INTERESTING characters and INTERESTING STORIES on how to get there.

I know this was a wordy post, but I have been thinking about this for a while. We all know I would like to make a screenwriting career in the Sci-Fi genre. But it's NOT just because I am a geek.

No, its also because I feel that there is ROOM for well-told, HOPEFUL visions of the future. Most of the Sci-Fi movies in the last few years have been so grey and dull and distopian. V for Vendetta, Pulse, Matrix Trilogy, Children of Men, City of Ember, Solaris, Wall-E, Sunshine, I am Legend. Decent movies, but, well, really fucking depressing. I think we get that we have the capacity to fuck up the planet and find interesting ways either to kill or enslave large numbers of people.

Great!! Now, I think there are some VERY compelling stories told in how we OVERCOME those sorts of things and the struggles along the way.
Most Audiences leave most sci-fi movies these days thinking : "Man, our future is fucked, but at least there will be guys like [insert actor/actress] there to kick ass and go down fighting'.

I'd like for folks to leave my movies thinking : "Damn, our future was really on it's way to sucking before some smart [insert actor/actress] did something realy cool and badass to save the day. Maybe we can pull something cool off in real life'
"Damn, our future was really gonna be shitty until [insert actor/actress] learned how to do something, kicked ass, made us not be pussies and got us all to kick ass together. If someone does something cool in the future, I totally wanna help him/her kick ass"

I take particular issue with Children of Men. I really do. So, wait, you mean to tell me with ALL the genetic engineering work going on RIGHT NOW that someone wouldn't find a way to produce children if all the world's women went in-fertile? We can already clone mammals and birth them in OTHER mammals, and cloning is at least basically understood. So, the anarchy that ensued in that pic...WTF? I know it was dramtic and brooding and DEEP, but JEEZ~!!!

I mean, a mass-marketed SUICIDE KIT!!! W...T...F?! I mean, did the people who beat the FLU, PLAGUE, CHOLERA, POLIO or TUBERCULOSIS have that attitude? The people who did the first Open-Heart Surgery?

I mean, I know it's supposed to be interesting, but (apologies to their respective authors/producers), I find those kinds of stories insulting to HUMANITY. It's basically calling us ALL out as Punks, Pussies who might as well just give up and resign ourselves to a shitty future. I think there are more interesting stories to tell in how to we get up, get to work and figure some shit out. And I think there are ways to make sure there are Interesting, Attractive characters doing said figuring.....who just might get laid every now and again.....

After the shopping, and the lifting, and the writting and the cleaning....

...there is STILL nothing good on television this time of year. Not a single solitary quality program. The only bright spot was the 'Unique Whips' update show, where we find that Will is Moving his business to Miami. Kinda a shitty time to move a high-end auto customizing business to Miami, but his celebrity clientele are probably at least somewhat recession-proof.

I posted in my MySpace blog about some negativity with a FORMER-friend, and I really don't wanna rehash it here, since I am trying to forget the guy exists. SOOOOO, back to the TV.

Honestly, Microsoft and Netflix deserve some sort of Geek prize, because Netflix/Xbox Live Instant Watch is totally helping a bitch out whenever I am home with nothing to do after the above activities.

As an aspiring screenwriter AND as a gay man, I now have new appreciation for the following sentiment: Most Gay movies SUCK. Their Shiteousness knows few bounds. The European ones are only better because they usually have more interesting cinematography and more frontal male nudity and sex scenes. But usually, they are pretty craptacular as well. I have watched many of them on Netflix, and I am appreciative that I did not have to go out and PAY to watch those movies in a theatre. If I had, there would be a growing list of gay filmmakers who would owe me 10 dollars plus gas money.

January, for even MORE reasons now, cannot come soon enough. I have a trip to Miami for my Tennis tournament. The Australian Open starts (which I WILL be watching in HD, damn it!!)...and of COURSE two of my absolute FAVORITE TV shows are coming back on: Battlestar Galactica and Damages.

I have been DYING for Damages to come back on, ESPECIALLY after seeing the promo for season 2, where Rose is supposed to take her money, her promotion and shut up, and conveniently FORGET that Patty (Glen Close) tried to kill her. The DRAMA!!! And any show where Glen Close gets to chew scenery is Emmy-material by default. Which brings me to a movie I want to go see with some folks this coming weekend: Doubt. Meryl Streep and Phil Seymour Hoffman in a Nunn vs. Priest Bitchery showdown as she tries to investigate claims that Phil Seymour's character has been molesting young men and boys. She is back in Devil Wears Prada cunty mode in this film, folks.

Alrighty, I have a novel to finish, Alistair Reynolds' Redemption Arc. I am re-reading, as it's actually my favorite of the Revelation Space trilogy, as we meet Skade, a woman whose beef with Neville Clavain makes Captain Ahab's beef with Moby Dick look like a disagreement over too much starch.
  • Current Music
    Anita Baker - No One In the World
Smiling Bitch

Weekend Work....

...so, this weekend looks to have little, if any, glamor in it.

Why? Tonight I am probably going to be writing, grocery shopping and watching Netflix movies. I have to be up VERY early tommorow morning, since I am coordinating young men's activities for the opening of our new Buddhist Community Center. We closed the one on Oak Lawn and opened a smaller one over by childrens hospital. I get to be there most of the day.

Do I WANT to do it? Yes and No, but I WILL be doing it because I know it's needed for our members that day. That, and causes such as this are excellent, karmically speaking, for aiding the sorts of major breakthroughs I am working towards in the coming months.

I might, however, go with Tommy and Nick to see Darude that night, depending on how tired I am. I haven't been feeling any of Darude's newer shit post-Sandstorm. Daft Punk, on the other hand, I am feeling, but that's more telling of my funkier, housier, deeper leanings musically, I suppose.

I have a mind to give my dad an even better Christmas present: I am thinking of driving to Texarkana to visit him, by myself. It's only a day or so. We shall see what the week brings.

Not a great deal else to report. That 10 lbs is hovering around 8 lbs lost. I want another 6 or 7 off that, and I should be good to go both for tennis AND the beach in Miami.

That's pretty much all I have to talk about right now. Spent a good 4 hours at Starbucks this morning writing, and it was quite productive.

Alrighty, making my grovery list out now, so I will conclude.
  • Current Music
    Top Gear - VXR8 Review

The Birthday that Was, Still Possible to Suprise.....

So... my birthday dinner was a smaller affair that intended, but oh so fun. Asian Mint for dinner with two friends (two others did not show due to sickness, which I can honestly understand, having just gotten over the bulk of a sinus infection last week). We then went to Zippers, where I got some great lapdance/touchy-feely action from the strippers who were more my type (I don't like the dumb looking, over-tanned ones, I don't care how great their bodies are).

My MOM cooked dinner for me Saturday at her place and we watched movies and laughed, which honestly was the PERFECT saturday night. The fragility of her health still sometimes concerns me, as it did last night, but she is getting through it and looks great. She even bought me some Grey Goose, which wen't in the freezer since I can't drink anymore for quite sometime after this weekend, with the diet and all.

Dad even called and sang happy birthday over the phone. I still haven't called him, but he is on my list tommorow (more on that in a minute).

And today proved that its still possible to suprise me. Even with the fact that I can buy myself most of the things I want and did so for this Birthday (some fall clothes, a GPS system and new computer), something cannot be bought.

I was told to show up at Luke and Jesse's house at 5PM sunday. I thought nothing of it, since they just got back from seeing Jesse's folks, and they are known to do little Sunday dinner things. I did my workout, showered and headed to Richardson, where I was greeted with 'Suprise!!!' as 7 of my closers friends and acquaintences were all there with Luke preparing a nice tapas dinner. O..M..G. We watched a Wall-E Blu-Ray and chatted after dinner. They even got me an ice cream cake and a candle.

Ya know what? Yeah, damn it, I cried a little bit. It was one of those special things that breaks us out of our 'Just another day' mindset about birthdays, when people you know are friends do something unexpected and suprising to SHOW it. It's humbling in so many ways, both large and small.

So, the week ahead looks good, albiet quite busy, ending in my first Phys therapy training session at Landry Center. He is going to show me some cross training exercises for joint flexibility and then show me how to do them in the pool they have there, which my Sports Med Doctor said I should be training in once a week at least. 

In other news, I am now back down to 190 lbs even as of today. Thats a loss of 8 pounds in the 2.5 weeks since I started South Beach diet. W00T!!!

And,  I may go ahead and purchase my ticket to Miami this week, since I just checked the prices on Orbitz and they are quite good. I am concerned, however, as I have not touched my rackets in almost two months other than to move them during house cleaning.

HOw are you all?
  • Current Music
    BoA - Kimochiwa Tsukawaru

Happy Birthday, The Give Of Knowing Where the Hell...

..I am going. Seriously.

For starters, I picked up a Garmin Nuvi 200 Nav system at Target for about a hundred bucks. LOVE IT, and it will come in handy for all sorts of things, even if I buy another car that already has Navigation in it, because I can use this thing ALL OVER, since I am planning some travel soon anyway.

Also, I am burning quite a bit of time now writing. There are two screenwriting competitions with entry deadlines in the first week of January. I have decided that I am going to enter the my romantic raunch-comedy, The Fat Girl Try, in both of them. Which means I really need to have something ready for some folks around me to read in the next two weeks. Good Grief!! But, at least I know where I am heading.

Workouts: I took about a week off after starting the new diet. Ending each lifting session with a mile of intense cycling (on a machine) is actually quite interesting. The good news is that the five lbs lost so fart STAYED off through the holiday, so my work continues on that front. However, as I have said before and will say again, Bigmuscle.com is one of the MOST HUMBLING things a man can do to himself. Seriously. But, its also motivating, I can say. Today was both, since I have had to come to grips with the fact that I just CAN'T get as big as some of those guys. I know how to, and was on my way to doing so, but my first love is Tennis. It's given me too much in live to simply give it up in the pursuit of aesthetic perfection in my body. I have an appointment this coming week at the Landry Sports Medicine Center to go over my X-rays with a sports specialist I was referred to there, so hopefully she can help.

Someone at Intel deserves a blowjob or cookies or something. Seriously. The Core2Duo/Quad series of processors not only rocks out at stock clockspeeds (2.5ghz for mine, in stock form), but also run RIDONCULOUSLY fast at overclocked speeds. As of today, I have been running at a STABLE 3.0GHZ just be upping the FSB speed, for around a week. The scarry thing is looking at the diagnostics as its running. The fan speed hasn't really changed, and the temperature has gone up a scant 5-10 degrees even under peak load.

Thats just filthy.
  • Current Music
    Lars Barenroth Deeper Shades #241

When A Big Company Thinks like a Small Company....

...good things happen. Case in point today? Apple. Last night while perusing new house music, I stumbled across a fount of podcasts hosted there by some nifty DJ's (a lot of Brits, D:Fuse, Full Intetion and some others). Why is this so cool?

Easy, because with the removal of Channel 66 Raw (uncensored hip-hop) and 80 The Move (cutting edge deep and funky house) from XM/Sirius in the merger, I have cancelled my account. But, thanks to APPLE, of all companies, DJ's have the platform to give us househeads the latest and greatest so I can still have what I want at work and in my car, and even at the GYM!!

I will report on the weekend later, but put succinctly: SCREW YOU XM/Sirius....and praise be to Apple (now if we could work on that PC-enabled version of OS X that would be addtionally hot....thanks)
  • Current Music
    DJ Theo of London - Deep House Podcast 11/4


O..M..G!! I just made Tea Cakes (think thick Sugar Cookies) FROM SCRATCH, using my Deceased Grandma Stella's Recipe!!! I never really knew her, other than pictures and recipes and my mom's stories (Stella died when I was 2, as opposed to Geneva, who died 5 years ago).

She was such an Elegant woman, though, as I can tell in her handwritten instructions (watch the curve of the scalloped edges?!!?!?). It's interesting how much of both sets of Grandparents manifests itself in me as I get older:

1) Old man Phil and Geneva: Blue Collar flaunters of the Prohibition who laughed in the face of the Great Depression as something White people were bizzarely shocked at but was every day life for their socio-economic class. Insightful, observant, sharp-tongued and quick witted, self-reliant to a fault, they prized education (because they had so little of it...8th grade was the cut-off) and the value of hard work, as well as being real to all

2) Milford and Stella: White collar for the era, appreciative of nice shit because they worked so hard to get it, educated and well-read for the time period. They dressed well and lived a nice, middle-class life, participated in the church and made sure their only child was a nice debutante with grace, diction and talent.

Of course, both sets of traits got to my parents, who then managed to rebel against it all, as most of the boomers did in the 60's and 70's. Those traits, plus said rebellion, gave birth to two somewhat strange children, at least for Black middle-class folks: Kristen and Myself, Phil (#5 and counting if I can find a willing LEZ in a few years).

So, weirdly, these Tea Cakes, tasty as they are, are also a nice little reminder of that from which I came. And the are the SHIT with some milk!!!!

That is all...
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished